Learning to "Age Gracefully"...
pretty much self-imposed three-week house arrest. Watching my
grandmother behave in public for one last time (in a long long while,
at least) as we head our way by train, it still makes me think how
older people behave in China. Maybe a lot of what I say here is
peculiar to my grandmother, but basically, all the social vices we
perceive that Chinese people have are incredibly prevalent among
elders. For instance, cutting in line is normal (quite humiliating
for me to watch when my grandmother does it because I can't follow
her in that particular act).
Also, for her, words like "Excuse me," "Thank you," and "Please" are
never to be used in public toward strangers (even customer service
people)...and, smiling toward others is just not something to be done
logically. Ironically, when foreigners first think of Chinese elders,
bearded wise smiling old men (like Confucius) are probably the first
thing that pops into the mind. Instead, they are hit with insults,
sneers, and hostile looks when they meet Chinese elders in reality.
OK, so this is probably not just in China. Asian elders (especially
in Korea), as far as I've encountered, seems to be always like that.
It really makes me wonder why.
Well, the first thing that comes to the mind is the family-oriented
social structure in traditional Chinese society. But as far as
Confucian values go, the general society is simply an enlarged version
of an individual's core family. Especially considering the importance
of clans and extended families (as well as concepts of special
relationship between those from same occupation, hometown, and social
class that allows for extra reason to bond socially, I don't see why
adherence to Confucianism would prompt individuals to have a default
sense of disrespect for each other that comes out of nowhere.
Furthermore, Confucianism, just like Western values, believe in the
concept of "treating others as you would like to be treated." A basic
understanding of human emotions would tell anyone that a cold shoulder
from one person would like to cold shoulder (and perhaps even anger)
from the other, leading to complete breakdown of interaction. But
what is perhaps more puzzling is the huge discrepancy in the attitudes
Chinese elders have toward familiar people (friends, coworkers, and
family) as compared to complete strangers. It is as if everyone is
bipolar: two completely different personalities for two sets of
people.
But then again, lack of social grace is not a consequence of distant
social relations. Japanese people, like all other Asians) tend not to
interact with strangers either, preferring smaller, more familiar
circles (this explains why solo travel is in vogue in America and
Europe because it is so easy to meet people on the way, while the
concept is often looked upon as strange on this side of the Pacific).
Yet, when the Japanese are asked by strangers (as I occasionally do),
they do like to hold a polite conversion with a bright (even if
forced) smile.
In fact a further observation will find that the so-called "social
grace" among elders (and the entire population) has a correlation with
wealth. People in wealthier countries tend to be more polite when
spoken to. Yet at the same time, contrary to popular belief, "social
grace" seems to have little correlation with education, at least here
in China. My grandmother is a retired chief librarian at one of the
most prestigious universities in Nanjing, but she, like many in
China's elite handling higher education, seemed to show no sign of
grace acquired in a college campus (same can be said of my father, a
medical researcher, in many circumstances).
Of course, as stated in a previous post, distorted distribution of
wealth allows many "low-quality" rich people to emerge, a phenomenon
that can't possibly be good for "social grace." But looking a bit
further down history lane, we can find that memories of intense
struggles for limited resources, whether it be food or jobs, for
survival, have shaped the characters of the elders in developing and
newly developed (like Korea) countries. Since everyone fought for the
same limited resources, politeness, as defined by yielding to others
and placing trust in others, was proved to way to failure.
To put in a social Darwinist view, to survive at the expense of
others, everyone had to see everyone else outside of that small social
cycle as potential enemies to be distrusted. The battles they had to
fight to survive were so scarring that even as limitation of most
resources have become things of the past, they continue to hold on to
such mentality. And for places that continue to see poverty and
scarcity, "social grace" cannot advance. Only with generations after
generations of living under comforting wealth (as Japan has) can the
older population that cannot "age gracefully" die out and be replaced
with the new elders who can.
The fact that I can actually pay attention to whether people have
"social grace" or not means that I am rich. I have already escaped
the bugging thoughts about my next meal and my safety that is
constantly in the minds of the millions of poor that lives in the
world. We are so lucky to be fed and clothed so well that we even
think about how we can behave more "nicely." Yeah, I suppose it is a
sign of advanced civilization, but that animal instinct which we
despise as "lack of social grace," as exhibited by people like my
grandmother, is a constant reminder to the rest of us that poverty is
still out there and it is never too far away for even the wealthiest
person to experience.
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