The Danger of Gaps in Expectations during Social Events
Tokyo is a fine city for meeting new people. Dozens of organizations ranging from students doing it on their free time to fully professional outfits run social events that bring together complete strangers from all walks of life to help them expand their often limited number of friends and acquaintances. Generally, what makes these events so fun is that people go in with an open mind and very little expectations, making them extremely conducive to conversations with literally anyone. In a Japanese society where social status and looks can be paramount, such situations, to say the least, can be quite rare to find.
But to say all social events are so open and friendly is definitely overgeneralizing. Plenty of events fell short, with plenty of awkward distance and silences among attendees. One of the primary reasons for awkward atmospheres in any particular event is a gap between how attendees perceive the event, how the event was originally advertised, and how different people see the same event through different lenses, deliberately because of the advertisements or simply via some sort of ill-conceived personal conviction. When such gaps exist, liberal attitude toward meeting new people is replaced by the need to consider with whom and when to talk in order to feel "socially appropriate."
A case in point is a recent social event held at a concert hall near one of Tokyo's premier luxury shopping districts. To get hold of enough attendees, several organizations combined forces to advertise the same events across a series of different sites. However, in their respective advertisements, the content of the event was not unified. Some posted the event as a mere social event to meet many foreigners, others posted that the event is a potentially romantic get-together for Japanese singles, completely neglecting to mention that foreigners are also invited to attend. People who came through different channels interpreted the event differently from the get-go.
Add to that the complex pricing structure for the (professional) event organizers to make a profit. The entrance fee was deliberately structured to be Japanese male > Japanese female > foreigners, with foreigners paying less than a third of the price paid by Japanese males. For the Japanese males who paid top yen to be there looking for romantic partners, the fact that, unbeknownst to them, a bunch of cheap foreigners were invited as attendees was not only surprising, but quite frankly, irritating. They did not expect competition from a group of people who did not even know they were there for competing.
The result of the different information on the event held by the attendees led to quite some social gaffes not normally imaginable in a regular international meetup event. The Japanese women grouped themselves together, shielding themselves from guys they do not want to speak to, while Japanese guys go together, strategizing quietly on which groups of women they can credibly approach without the embarrassment of outright rejection. The openness with which conversations are struck up, so fundamental to normal international social events, is completely obliterated in the awkward social setting.
Perhaps the worst part of the expectation gap was the weak position foreigners are thrown into in this particular setting. Because Japanese men paid top yen to look for women, their surprising aggressiveness caught many foreigners off-guard. The normal "social lubricant" role foreigners play in social events, as conversation starters, jokesters, and just as icebreakers, was nowhere to be found, suppressed by the high-handed efforts by Japanese men to show their happiest and most exciting selves. Foreigners at the event, as a result, were an unusually quiet bunch.
At the end of the day, the "chemistry" of the event benefited literally no one. Foreigners did not get to make real friendships, Japanese males were irritated by foreigners, while women were disappointed with the ragtag bunch of men with different objectives and backgrounds. The event organizers may have successfully maximized the number of attendees (and thus, maximum profit) by collaborating with other organizations, but the one-time success came at the expense of long-term reputation of their various organizations. People have many choices in terms of social events, they do not need to stick with ones that throw them nasty surprises.
The displeasure with which attendees treated the event was best illustrated in small details. Throughout the event, massive, quiet lines formed in front of the free drink and food stations, while chairs lining against the walls of the event space were almost completely occupied, usually by people playing with their smartphones. Many felt the event not meeting their expectations, but simultaneously felt that they should at least do something to make sure they got their money's worth. Eating and drinking to excess (if possible) helps, so does waiting to see if anyone interesting comes along to talk. Strangers became just strangers when the "social" in "social event" is taken out.
But to say all social events are so open and friendly is definitely overgeneralizing. Plenty of events fell short, with plenty of awkward distance and silences among attendees. One of the primary reasons for awkward atmospheres in any particular event is a gap between how attendees perceive the event, how the event was originally advertised, and how different people see the same event through different lenses, deliberately because of the advertisements or simply via some sort of ill-conceived personal conviction. When such gaps exist, liberal attitude toward meeting new people is replaced by the need to consider with whom and when to talk in order to feel "socially appropriate."
A case in point is a recent social event held at a concert hall near one of Tokyo's premier luxury shopping districts. To get hold of enough attendees, several organizations combined forces to advertise the same events across a series of different sites. However, in their respective advertisements, the content of the event was not unified. Some posted the event as a mere social event to meet many foreigners, others posted that the event is a potentially romantic get-together for Japanese singles, completely neglecting to mention that foreigners are also invited to attend. People who came through different channels interpreted the event differently from the get-go.
Add to that the complex pricing structure for the (professional) event organizers to make a profit. The entrance fee was deliberately structured to be Japanese male > Japanese female > foreigners, with foreigners paying less than a third of the price paid by Japanese males. For the Japanese males who paid top yen to be there looking for romantic partners, the fact that, unbeknownst to them, a bunch of cheap foreigners were invited as attendees was not only surprising, but quite frankly, irritating. They did not expect competition from a group of people who did not even know they were there for competing.
The result of the different information on the event held by the attendees led to quite some social gaffes not normally imaginable in a regular international meetup event. The Japanese women grouped themselves together, shielding themselves from guys they do not want to speak to, while Japanese guys go together, strategizing quietly on which groups of women they can credibly approach without the embarrassment of outright rejection. The openness with which conversations are struck up, so fundamental to normal international social events, is completely obliterated in the awkward social setting.
Perhaps the worst part of the expectation gap was the weak position foreigners are thrown into in this particular setting. Because Japanese men paid top yen to look for women, their surprising aggressiveness caught many foreigners off-guard. The normal "social lubricant" role foreigners play in social events, as conversation starters, jokesters, and just as icebreakers, was nowhere to be found, suppressed by the high-handed efforts by Japanese men to show their happiest and most exciting selves. Foreigners at the event, as a result, were an unusually quiet bunch.
At the end of the day, the "chemistry" of the event benefited literally no one. Foreigners did not get to make real friendships, Japanese males were irritated by foreigners, while women were disappointed with the ragtag bunch of men with different objectives and backgrounds. The event organizers may have successfully maximized the number of attendees (and thus, maximum profit) by collaborating with other organizations, but the one-time success came at the expense of long-term reputation of their various organizations. People have many choices in terms of social events, they do not need to stick with ones that throw them nasty surprises.
The displeasure with which attendees treated the event was best illustrated in small details. Throughout the event, massive, quiet lines formed in front of the free drink and food stations, while chairs lining against the walls of the event space were almost completely occupied, usually by people playing with their smartphones. Many felt the event not meeting their expectations, but simultaneously felt that they should at least do something to make sure they got their money's worth. Eating and drinking to excess (if possible) helps, so does waiting to see if anyone interesting comes along to talk. Strangers became just strangers when the "social" in "social event" is taken out.
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