Instilling a sense of guilt will not create more willing parents

"You shouldn't see parenting as self-sacrifice so that your kids don't see love as depletion." That line from The Fax Club hits a little too close to home. The book, which documents a year-long experiment in which 100 anonymous participants answered a weekly question that arrived at them by fax, showed just how deliberate contemplation, uninterrupted by the quick dopamine hits of social media, can create real philosophical gems through the most ordinary people. The best, like this one, came out of everyday observations about human relationships.

Like the sound of a document sent in by fax, the statement lingered long after it was first received. Raised by a mother who, indeed, often commented on how much she sacrificed to raise her children and maintain her family, I have come to see the often obligatory maintenance of familial and even friendship ties as depletion. Visits, conversations, and even messaging were considered emotional costs that detracted from more productive activities that I could engage in myself, whether it be working for money, traveling for joy, or learning for personal development.

And that's precisely why, like many people of many ages, I turn my back on parenthood. This is especially true in Asian communities, in which the "parenting = sacrifice" narrative is so often used to keep kids in line, propagating filial piety through a sense of guilt. Busy enough we are with our own lives, we cannot afford any more depletions that we already go through. We do not need to make any more self-sacrifices than we have to, and certainly have no desire to guilt-trip a new generation of youths with the same negativity our parents nagged us with.

Indeed, when a parent-child relationship runs on such emotional transactions grounded in obligation, its upkeep loses all intrinsic motivation. Instead, the outer appearance of amicability is required to fend off those whispers from relatives and acquaintances of "selfishness" that put the family to shame. When the sacrifice and depletion become social norms, then self-interest becomes a vice, and the needs of "me" need to be hidden from the public view. Extolling those who virtuously put their children first in everything only deters those who deem themselves unworthy and unable to even try parenting.

Hence, the way out of the problem offered by The Fax Club was equal parts profound and logical. It asked parents to rebel against the norms of self-sacrifice by just living their own lives to the fullest, even after having children. Without neglecting their children's welfare, parents should do as they have done before, chasing their own dreams and goals, with children just another factor in life's decision-making, like buying a house or moving to a new job. By showing that having children changes nothing drastically, the mental hurdle of parenthood decreases.

For their children, parental love would look more like friendships with the benefits of free food, clothes, and accommodation. They would learn appreciation just like they would for anyone who's doing them a favor, but without the underlying message that their very existence is somehow contributing to ruining their parents' lives. Perhaps then they will become less calculating with their own relationships with others, too. Give and take become more emotionless transactions, and less encumbered with an emotionally draining undertone. 

Of course, one can only dream that the anonymous man's suggestion, written for a fax, can be so easily implemented in real life. The power of centuries-old traditions, widely shared ideologies treated as cultural heritage, and the guardians of conservatism that continue to defend them ensure that sacrificial parenting remains, even as its negativity permeates society. The rebels who refuse to change course after becoming parents may be criticized just as much as those of childbearing age who see no desire to have kids.

Perhaps that's why the message resonates so much. It makes so much logical sense, and can be done logistically. But reason often does not govern human relationships and the sociocultural realities surrounding them. In my wish to imagine what my own childhood could have been without the reminder that we are born with some sort of original sin, I end up lamenting just how close yet how far that imagination is from the actual world that I lived and so many more will live. The older generations have only themselves to blame for the ever-dwindling desire for parenthood.