What One Term Says About the Japanese Attitude Toward Marriage

「お二人は3月にゴールインしました！」goes the TV program that discusses the relationship trajectory of a newlywed couple. Literally stating that "the two people reached the 'goal in' in March," this phrase uses "goal in," a Japanese-made English term that is commonly used to refer to two people that have been dating for a long time getting to the stage of marriage. The term is so commonly used that Japanese speakers rarely think about the underlying implication of the term itself, and how marriage, as an institution, is perceived within modern Japanese culture.

For sports aficionados, the term is clearly a reference to soccer, which has a strong following and cultural influence among especially males in Japan. The use of the word "goal" implies that marriage is a positive result for the two individuals involved that is, similar to a goal is in a soccer game, a rare positive moment that only happened after painstaking effort, a collaboration of many people, and ultimately, worthy of celebration. That analogy that links dating with a bunch of soccer players striving to move the ball to the goal can be a relevant one in a Japanese culture that often emphasizes work and family relations as important factors in making the romance happen and blossom.

But the superficial similarities do not mask the key differences between a "goal" in a soccer game and in a marriage. Yes, soccer players celebrate every goal as precious, but the game does not end when a goal is scored. Given the possibility of the opposing team scoring goals as well, there is a continuing imperative for the celebrating players to return to their calm and start brand new efforts to score another goal. In other words, scoring a goal in soccer does not entail the end of the game and efforts to continue scoring goals until the end of the game itself.

The situation is not the same in a marriage. As it would happen anywhere else, a Japanese marriage is sealed with the presumption that it is meant to be forever, until either one of the two partners passes away. No one in the right mind would get married and assume that they will restart a new effort to get married again at some point soon. As such, perhaps the term is used to imply that, between the two romantic partners, marriage is only one of many goals that they will strive to accomplish in their many years together. Getting marriage of the way, then, would allow the two to focus on other life goals that they also need to strive for.

Yet, that view of marriage as just one of many goals for a couple underestimates the centrality of marriage as the defining bond between the two partners once it happens. From a purely legal perspective, once a marriage is formed and registered, all activities that are taken by the couple to deepen their relationship, whether it be having children, intertwining their financial resources, and deciding how to take care of their aging parents, are very much impacted by the institution of marriage itself. Thus, to call the marriage a goal achieved, implying that the couple can now move on to some other goal, symbolizes a view that marriage is no more a one-time change of legal and social status.

This tendency to relegate marriage to a one-time activity, rather than something that requires continued effort by the couple to maintain and improve after the wedding happens, spells trouble for the institution of marriage itself. Many middle-aged men feel "trapped" in endless marriages in which they see little continued benefits but the need to keep them as such on paper for the sake of the negative social perception that comes from divorce. Instead of modifying or working on marriages, they find themselves finding sexual solace outside of it. A younger generation, seeking how their elders are shackled in unhappy marriages, simply abandon the plans for marriage in the first place.

To tackle this issue, new terms are needed to discuss marriage. A wedding can be termed a "goal in," but a renewed emphasis needs to be given over to the fact that the wedding does not simply mean a "done deal" and "the end" of marriage as a continuous process of expending effort. Certainly, the standard vows of a Japanese wedding do include the language of forming lifelong partnerships and sharing pains and joys of the decades to come, but the participants need to take the language more seriously than many currently do. To do so, the language of those vows should go more mainstream to replace "goal in."

Can just usage of new terms completely change the societal attitude toward marriage. Of course not. But for the many millions of young people who are thinking about what place marriage holds in their life ahead, the language used to discuss the matter influences a great deal about they perceive it. The term "goal in," as it evokes soccer, evokes too much joy and celebration of the moment, while discounting the painful efforts that are needed both before and after the wedding. Using terms that set those expectations straight would help to ensure no one ends up in unhappy marriages from unrealistic expectations.