Wednesday, August 31, 2011

What is Meant to be is What is Meant to be?

The damned British visa is just not going to get approved! First, the visa application was quickly rejected for "insufficient funds" in my bank account. Then, the second application gets delayed. After waiting for a positive reply from the UK Border Agency for more than a week, I received a quick email from them noting that the materials for the application are incomplete. Why? It seems like a certain registry number for the visa application cannot be used twice.

So, after an irrational first rejection, the second application is even affected. Now, I have to go beg the London School of Economics for a whole new registry number to send to the Border Agency within the next seven working days, or else my visa application will be rejected once again. At least things like this are making me concentrated again on something productive after lounging around at home doing absolutely nothing for the past week and a half.

But, even as I feel more and more scared about another rejection that would, this time, really force me to delay my matriculation into my grad school program, I am at the same time feeling whether, if the situation comes to be unfavorable, actually meant to be in some way or the other. While I am not as radical as to think that the second rejection would be some sort of "divine punishment" for my hastiness in applying for the visa, the rejection would perhaps really mean something for my life in the near future.

My feelings right now sort of echoes back to a tarot reading I received on my birthday from a friend of mine interested in psychic readings. After pulling a few cards, he noted that I, while persistent in heading toward where I think I should be, am ignoring the potential other options in the process. While I am not going to give up on going to grad school, I will have to start realizing that in the short- or long-term, there may be other roads I can pursue other than what I can get off of an one-year program in London.

My friend also constantly reminded me of the need to remain calm and grateful for what I already have. By telling me that I over-analyze and over-criticize every little detail in every person and every situation I encounter in the world (as anyone can tell from reading this particular blog), I am actually not doing myself a favor at all. In fact, in all honesty, continued nit-picking only cause me to feel how much darkness and negativity surround my very existence, plunging me into ever-more-intense depression and cynicism.

This whole visa-applying experience is definitely a good case study for my friend's analysis. Instead of seeing this whole thing with hatred and pure spite for being an exercise in trading 800 dollars for a piece of sticker on my passport, I need to see it with more optimism. By finally getting that piece of sticker, I can be just so much more appreciative of my ability to go to Britain at all, and be grateful that I gained so much more knowledge about how to navigate the whole administrative process at the School and the Border Agency.

And yes, as he noted, the more I struggle with this whole UK visa process, I get more time to enjoy the company of my high school friends, my family, and San Diego for the last time until who knows when. Perhaps I do not see the benefits of such company right now, but I realize that one day, may be a rainy day in London when I am surrounded being endless readings and assignments, I will reminisce about the "great times" of freedom I had in these few months in San Diego. I should cherish all of this for the sake of my own future feelings.

But at the same time, I will persist with what I believe is important. What push me froward should always be my confidence, not any sense of insecurity. As long as I believe that the most difficult problems can be resolved and I put in the effort to do so, I know that out of anyone I know, I have the most ability to get those problems resolved most rapidly and perfectly. Just let my life take its course and let all the problems come to me. The path to greatness is more interesting when there are more obstacles on it.

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