Confessions of a Cynic: Choosing Words More Carefully as the Key for Building Better Social Relationships
The news of natural or human disasters, unfortunately for me, no longer raises even an eyebrow. After experiencing the massive earthquake in Japan, the massive floods and mudslide in Korea, and hearing about the massive rioting in London, waking up today to the news of a rare earthquake on the East Coast of the US did not even bring any sort of reaction to my face. Fortunately, so far, there has been very little reports of damages and human casualties. But given my insensitivity to disasters in general, would I act any differently if there were large numbers of deaths occurring from the quake?
Sadly, my personal reflection at the current state would immediately tell me "no." As any other survivor of the Quake over in Japan, I have had a tendency to trivialize the dangers of such disasters in order to suppress the memories of being part of the Quake or any of its lethal consequences. While we the survivors ourselves may take pride on being able to speak of disasters as if they are nothing, but for those new to such situations, including those who just experienced earthquake for perhaps the first time in their lives over on the East Coast, there is little to be cheerily bantered about even though the whole experience may have just been an empty scare.
Any sort of near-death experience, after all, presents a shock to the human psyche. And any shock to the human psyche, after all, will definitely create some sort of dark spot in the mind. Poking at the dark spot, especially when done intentionally and nonchalantly by an outsider (even if the outsiders has similar experiences) can only serve to irritate the victim of the near-death experience. Those who experienced them on multiple occasions can laugh off the dark jokes, but for those victimized for the very first time, joking around such dark matters is definitely not the right move for some sort of post-traumatic emotional bonding.
The discretion with which jokes need to be exercised extend far beyond just situations involving actual disasters. For any person with any amount of actual life experiences, there are plenty of personal-level disasters that the person would incur emotional shock. Especially in the case of failing exams in schools or being scolded by superiors at work, the consequent realization of stupidity and decrease in self-confidence can create shocks much more damaging and lasting than coming to grips with imminent death for a few minutes in a physical disaster.
For someone like myself whose humor largely consists of a seemingly endless repertoire of cynical commentary, being careful with words so not to exacerbate the negative feelings of others is an especially challenging task. The utterances I feel to be completely benign are often taken as grave insults. Most people will hide their annoyances and laugh them off, but occasionally the receivers get so disgusted by the comments as to either leave in anger or in turn criticize my lack of sensitivity.
Yet, because cynicism has become so much a significant part of the personality of people like myself, it is simply difficult to figure out how to "tone down" the level of cynicism that exist in each comment. Because people already know us to be cynical, every "I feel so sorry about hearing that" no longer sound genuine. Our honest attempts at expressing sorrow or consolation, to the listeners, are simply taken to be another segway into the next cynical expression that seeks to draw a few laughs in some perverted way.
So, in the end, the dilemma is no longer about how to say it, but whether or not to say it at all. Talking by itself becomes a tiring exercise of reading the situation and the people involved. Are the people emotional tolerant enough? Is the situation mild enough to warrant a joke without laving a bad taste in everyone's mouth? Every factor must be considered before talking so that the relationship without people involved can be maintained at courteous levels and the reputation of the cynics can be kept at least at "half-way decent" rather than "downright inhumane."
Cynical people may be some of the most emotionally tough people on Earth, but they at the same time can be taken as the most delusional and idealistic. By laughing at every single negative in the world, they dismiss the inherent problems that cause such negatives with a laugh rather than putting in the serious effort to find their resolutions. We certainly have to find a sustainable way to be outspoken without being taken as just negative, and to be cooperative with others consistently without unintentionally stabbing the tender parts of their minds...
Sadly, my personal reflection at the current state would immediately tell me "no." As any other survivor of the Quake over in Japan, I have had a tendency to trivialize the dangers of such disasters in order to suppress the memories of being part of the Quake or any of its lethal consequences. While we the survivors ourselves may take pride on being able to speak of disasters as if they are nothing, but for those new to such situations, including those who just experienced earthquake for perhaps the first time in their lives over on the East Coast, there is little to be cheerily bantered about even though the whole experience may have just been an empty scare.
Any sort of near-death experience, after all, presents a shock to the human psyche. And any shock to the human psyche, after all, will definitely create some sort of dark spot in the mind. Poking at the dark spot, especially when done intentionally and nonchalantly by an outsider (even if the outsiders has similar experiences) can only serve to irritate the victim of the near-death experience. Those who experienced them on multiple occasions can laugh off the dark jokes, but for those victimized for the very first time, joking around such dark matters is definitely not the right move for some sort of post-traumatic emotional bonding.
The discretion with which jokes need to be exercised extend far beyond just situations involving actual disasters. For any person with any amount of actual life experiences, there are plenty of personal-level disasters that the person would incur emotional shock. Especially in the case of failing exams in schools or being scolded by superiors at work, the consequent realization of stupidity and decrease in self-confidence can create shocks much more damaging and lasting than coming to grips with imminent death for a few minutes in a physical disaster.
For someone like myself whose humor largely consists of a seemingly endless repertoire of cynical commentary, being careful with words so not to exacerbate the negative feelings of others is an especially challenging task. The utterances I feel to be completely benign are often taken as grave insults. Most people will hide their annoyances and laugh them off, but occasionally the receivers get so disgusted by the comments as to either leave in anger or in turn criticize my lack of sensitivity.
Yet, because cynicism has become so much a significant part of the personality of people like myself, it is simply difficult to figure out how to "tone down" the level of cynicism that exist in each comment. Because people already know us to be cynical, every "I feel so sorry about hearing that" no longer sound genuine. Our honest attempts at expressing sorrow or consolation, to the listeners, are simply taken to be another segway into the next cynical expression that seeks to draw a few laughs in some perverted way.
So, in the end, the dilemma is no longer about how to say it, but whether or not to say it at all. Talking by itself becomes a tiring exercise of reading the situation and the people involved. Are the people emotional tolerant enough? Is the situation mild enough to warrant a joke without laving a bad taste in everyone's mouth? Every factor must be considered before talking so that the relationship without people involved can be maintained at courteous levels and the reputation of the cynics can be kept at least at "half-way decent" rather than "downright inhumane."
Cynical people may be some of the most emotionally tough people on Earth, but they at the same time can be taken as the most delusional and idealistic. By laughing at every single negative in the world, they dismiss the inherent problems that cause such negatives with a laugh rather than putting in the serious effort to find their resolutions. We certainly have to find a sustainable way to be outspoken without being taken as just negative, and to be cooperative with others consistently without unintentionally stabbing the tender parts of their minds...
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