Losing English Abilities: Just Another Reason to Get Out?
These days, I have really been feeling like writing these blog posts have become more and more mentally stressful...and time-taking. Just sitting down and pumping out words on a blank screen used to be such a simple task, but now it feels like I have to repeatedly question myself whether each word I am using is indeed correct and suitable for the situation. And not just blog posts, each email in English and whats more, each sentence in English I write or say under any situation has become more of a mental exercise and a battle with self-doubt.
Yes, I am losing English. While my Japanese speaking and writing abilities have been growing by the day as I call up more and more merchants on the phone, the ability to relaxingly do the same in English has been going down in an increasingly obvious way. Putting together any sort of fluent, long-ish sentence, not to mention a logical argument, have, surprisingly, become easier in Japanese, and I am fearfully finding myself trying to translate Japanese words into English when I am trying to express a certain thought in English.
But people are not supposed to forget their native languages (as people always say). The language that is learned the best during one's formative years (somewhere around 12-18 years old) is supposed to be the most fluent language for life. But as myself, and other people of English-speaking background, begin to lose grip with their English abilities, we are, in a way, truly beginning to come to terms with just how powerful living in a foreign society can shape at least a person's linguistic identity.
All the more scary when I consider my next adventure after Japan will involve strong ability to use English. Whether it be teaching students English composition and grammar as a supposed "English expert" in Korea, and, worse, writing long long professional research papers as a grad student in London, I know that it will be extremely difficult under my current English level. Perhaps it marks another reason for my urgent need to get out of Japan and back into an English-using environment.
Never mind writing posts with flair, or writing English in general, as I pace around my room looking for the content of the next paragraph in this particular post, my mind feels like a dark space lit by a single, tiny lamp, with a weak stream of light lighting up a completely blank space around it. It feels that the "random thoughts" that used to so randomly fill up my mind has, even after my frantic mental searches, gone away completely, leaving my mind devoid of all content.
Maybe, the main issue here is not about English at all, it is about my ability to use my own head to think for my own. As I simply do what I am told at work everyday, repeat their same procedure with little success, my motivation for thinking and analyzing my own situation has been, well, unused, to say the best. It does not even take a well-crafted English sentence for me to realize this point. Because my mind is not spinning, there cannot be any deeply analytical sentence, in any language and in any form.
The lack of mental effort is just reflected in my inability to write. Even though the root problem is that I am not thinking in a well-structured way, I am actually say that my English is not good enough to express my own well-structured opinions. As someone who has written countless (bit exaggerated there) opinionated articles that have been praised for good structure and logic, I am just too embarrassed and scared to admit that I am no longer able to have those sorts of strong opinions in my mind.
So, what I am going to do about this? Think more and write more, of course. Instead to watering down my opinions to make them more easily expressible, I must find ways to logically present my strongest, least compromising thoughts. It is difficult and will continue to be, but by speeding up the process (jotting down any thought that come up in my mind), while not decreasing the overall amount of time I devote to writing (therefore increase the total quantity of writing), hopefully I can regain much of the "lost English" and lost analytical ability before I head for Korea next month.
Yes, I am losing English. While my Japanese speaking and writing abilities have been growing by the day as I call up more and more merchants on the phone, the ability to relaxingly do the same in English has been going down in an increasingly obvious way. Putting together any sort of fluent, long-ish sentence, not to mention a logical argument, have, surprisingly, become easier in Japanese, and I am fearfully finding myself trying to translate Japanese words into English when I am trying to express a certain thought in English.
But people are not supposed to forget their native languages (as people always say). The language that is learned the best during one's formative years (somewhere around 12-18 years old) is supposed to be the most fluent language for life. But as myself, and other people of English-speaking background, begin to lose grip with their English abilities, we are, in a way, truly beginning to come to terms with just how powerful living in a foreign society can shape at least a person's linguistic identity.
All the more scary when I consider my next adventure after Japan will involve strong ability to use English. Whether it be teaching students English composition and grammar as a supposed "English expert" in Korea, and, worse, writing long long professional research papers as a grad student in London, I know that it will be extremely difficult under my current English level. Perhaps it marks another reason for my urgent need to get out of Japan and back into an English-using environment.
Never mind writing posts with flair, or writing English in general, as I pace around my room looking for the content of the next paragraph in this particular post, my mind feels like a dark space lit by a single, tiny lamp, with a weak stream of light lighting up a completely blank space around it. It feels that the "random thoughts" that used to so randomly fill up my mind has, even after my frantic mental searches, gone away completely, leaving my mind devoid of all content.
Maybe, the main issue here is not about English at all, it is about my ability to use my own head to think for my own. As I simply do what I am told at work everyday, repeat their same procedure with little success, my motivation for thinking and analyzing my own situation has been, well, unused, to say the best. It does not even take a well-crafted English sentence for me to realize this point. Because my mind is not spinning, there cannot be any deeply analytical sentence, in any language and in any form.
The lack of mental effort is just reflected in my inability to write. Even though the root problem is that I am not thinking in a well-structured way, I am actually say that my English is not good enough to express my own well-structured opinions. As someone who has written countless (bit exaggerated there) opinionated articles that have been praised for good structure and logic, I am just too embarrassed and scared to admit that I am no longer able to have those sorts of strong opinions in my mind.
So, what I am going to do about this? Think more and write more, of course. Instead to watering down my opinions to make them more easily expressible, I must find ways to logically present my strongest, least compromising thoughts. It is difficult and will continue to be, but by speeding up the process (jotting down any thought that come up in my mind), while not decreasing the overall amount of time I devote to writing (therefore increase the total quantity of writing), hopefully I can regain much of the "lost English" and lost analytical ability before I head for Korea next month.
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